An Emotional Week

 It is extremely difficult for me at times to go forward when I have such an overwhelming fear of failure.

I did not know, until just today, there is a word for "Fear of Failure".  That word is "Atychiphobia".

This is a scary word in itself, no wonder I feel how I do when I am thinking of beginning to start something, whether a new project, or even to begin cleaning the house as what I am wanting to do today.  

Why am I feeling so anxious about starting to clean my house? because I have been suffering from this depression for so long the housework has suffered along with me.  I am overwhelmed as there is so much clutter, and every space in the house needs to be cleaned.  

What happens when I feel anxious about starting anything?  I can spend the whole day sitting with feeling anxious, and as I am doing right in this moment, feeling panic that I will never get it all done.  What happens then? it doesn't get done and I hate myself even more.  It is a horrible vicious circle caused by depression, with no feelings of motivation, joy, or caring about myself.  It is so difficult and I feel so ashamed of being the way I am.  

Should I hear a vehicle come in our driveway, I immediately have a panic attack from fear of the thought of someone coming into my home when I, and my home, are in this state.  What happens after I have gone into a full fledged panic attack? I am exhausted, ending up going back to bed as I am so drained from the panic and depression.  

The past couple of months I have pushed myself to keep the dishes washed, and put away, and the laundry done.  Other than that I might start something, do part of it, then walk away.  No this is something completely different when I am feeling well, and my ADHD is in overdrive.  This is DEPRESSION ...

When I look around at what needs doing, as well as the clutter here & there, I feel myself getting sicker which can put me right back to bed most every time I do. 

Not only does it send me back to bed, it causes me to Binge Eat.  When I binge eat I do not think about what bothers me, or if I do it can cause me to binge even faster.  I could be full and still binge.  I could feel sick from being over full and still binge.  It is a horrible horrible disorder which I have no control over, and one I have been using to cope since I was a child, even before my teen years.  Then I hate myself even more.

Mental Illnesses are so very debilitating.  Try to explain how I feel to someone who does not have these same experiences, is far from the easiest things to do.  People think what is so difficult about not overeating, or just eat healthy (I will binge on healthy foods, it does not have to be junk food, although sweet does give me a momentary high in the moment), or just pick one small spot in your home and start cleaning there, then move on to the next spot.

I hate to tell people this, as they usually do NOT believe me, "it does not work that way for me" ! 

I can feel dissociated while I am binging, I hate myself and do not care while I binge eat, I do not deal with my emotions so I binge.... I fall deeper and deeper into the hole of self hatred where it feels there is no return, and this is where I am in this moment.

I read Atychiphobia causes feelings of depression.  Well I feel with myself it all co-concurs within my Mental Illnesses.

I am journaling all of this within my Blog with hopes of finding a path I can go forward on without the fears I have, as "they", as in Doctors, counsellors, and .... , say should you journal it will help you overcome.  I also want to give awareness to Mental Illness, to continue to overcome the stigma of it.  

Should it be a beautiful sunshine day outside, I sit, thinking to myself, "my life passes me by, and I feel so helpless to change it".  Or any day I might think by the end of it, "another day in my life has been stolen from this heaviness of depression".

I try so hard at times to overcome the depression.  I push myself so hard to go outside, to go for a walk, to sweep a floor, to declutter one area.  I push myself so hard it exhausts me.  My brain feels like it is in a fog and I can go back to bed to sleep, again. 

I want to somehow overcome this depression, but I know I have to accept it, giving myself credit for those things I might get accomplished in any given day.  Acceptance is huge for me, as I struggle & fight accepting myself as the way I am, as the fear of judgement is stronger than having self compassion for myself.

Here it is almost 10:00 am.  I am not even dressed yet.  All I have done is sat thinking what needs to be done, and feeling fear of another day passing without anything being done.

I have to tell myself I did self care, by doing this blog post, and that is something going forward.  Positive Self Talk is important, it's remembering to counteract those negative thoughts with truths that is what is really important.  I have to be more mindful of challenging those negative thoughts, as they are not always true, and have be instilled in me for years, some from how I was shaped as a child and the traumas I have experienced throughout my life.  

I have to be kinder to myself, reminding myself it has been an emotional week.  This week, we put our sweet Australian Shepherd, Buddy boy to rest, 4 years ago my Mother passed on the 6th of November, we buried my Mother on the 8th of November, my Nephew had passed 10 years ago on the day we buried my Mother.  Yes, I need to show myself some self compassion in consideration of being sad for my loss of those I loved. 

I will keep trying.

This is all she wrote, this day, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Signed, 

"Just Me"

Success is not final; Failure is not fatal.  It is the Courage to continue that counts 

~ Winston Churchhill ~