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Out of Control

 I started back journal/blogging on November 9/2024 , ending very quickly with my last post being November 11/2024.    Where am I finding myself today ? January 27th, 2025...... totally OUT OF CONTROL, seemingly in every aspect of my whole being. I am depressed, I can't stay focused on anything for any amount of time, I am emotionally unbalanced, unable to make concrete, if any decisions, I am beyond fearful of almost anything and everything, even myself, I am isolating, I have no motivation to do anything, or feel any joy, the binge eating has and is still escalating, I feel no peace within, only fear, I am feeling totally hopeless of there ever being any help for myself.... I AM STUCK in what feels like something that will never end for me. I have tried numerous medications, I have been to many self help programs, DBT twice, EMDR Therapy for past traumas, MBT , numerous counselling sessions over the years, just finishing a 3 month session last week, currently doing Body...
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All Over The Map

Yesterday morning my mind was a whirl wind, going here, there & everywhere, " all over the map ". I was googling about depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Binge Eating, Codependency, as well as thinking what can I accomplish in the way of housework today.  Some days I am exhausted before I even get started.   At least, which has been very far and in-between, I was feeling like I was wanting to get something done, at least more than getting dressed, brushing my hair & teeth, making the bed, doing the dishes, cleaning the kitty litter (oops that did not get done yesterday), & letting the dogs in & out of the house.  Oh yes, I must not forget the part about feeding the cats, Princess Paisley & Mr. Davidson, as well as our Aussies, Chevy Denali & Stella Isabel.  Rob takes care of the feeding, etc.. of our sweet Tesla, every day. Rob has a huge back issue, caused from a motorcycle accident when he was 19 years old, which put him in th...
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An Emotional Week

 It is extremely difficult for me at times to go forward when I have such an overwhelming fear of failure. I did not know, until just today, there is a word for " Fear of Failure ".  That word is " Atychiphobia ". This is a scary word in itself, no wonder I feel how I do when I am thinking of beginning to start something, whether a new project, or even to begin cleaning the house as what I am wanting to do today.   Why am I feeling so anxious about starting to clean my house? because I have been suffering from this depression for so long the housework has suffered along with me.  I am overwhelmed as there is so much clutter, and every space in the house needs to be cleaned.   What happens when I feel anxious about starting anything?  I can spend the whole day sitting with feeling anxious, and as I am doing right in this moment, feeling panic that I will never get it all done.  What happens then? it doesn't get done and I hate myself even more...
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In Memory of Our Buddy Boy

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Today has been another difficult day.   Not only for myself, but for Rob as well.  It was our last day we spent with our beautiful Buddy Boy. Buddy had been in his 14th Year.  He joined our pack in 2012, when he had been 14 months old.   Buddy was beyond full of energy, & always happy go lucky.  I fondly called him my "Go Dog, Go", or "Mr. Pee A Lot".   Buddy was my best walking partner, also he was the best Aussie ever to go camping with us, and that was his "thing" to be the one of our Aussies, who always went along with us.  Since Buddy loved everyone, we had never seen him protective of us, until the one time we were camping, and he.... was tied at our campsite.  We had my sister, Donna, & Brother-In-Law over to our campsite for coffee, after being out for dinner with them.  Wayne got up to go into our camper to use the washroom.  As soon as he went to step up into the trailer, Buddy nailed his hand, drawing bl...
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Monthly Doctor's Appointment

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Today was my monthly doctor's appointment.  This morning I prepared a list to take along with me, as some appointments I do, and others I don't.  It helps me remember anything I feel I need to address, and to stay on task should I have a list. I had quite a long list, but it consisted more or less the usual: - fatigue; - shortness of breath; - shaking, as in nervousness/anxious; - daily binge eating, still;  - constant panic attacks;  - jaw throbbing, along with the same throbbing pain in ankles & knees; - daily headaches; - weight increase to 198 lbs. The shortness of breath is caused by asthma & anxiety.  I am on a steroid inhaler daily for asthma, and a rescue one for in-between.  Anxiety over things I constantly worry about causes the shaking, panic attacks, and I am certain more.  Binge Eating, is what I do, as I do not deal with my emotions, so eat instead of sitting with them, and accepting them; almost like I am punishing myself for thi...
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Begin At The Beginning

For those who do not know me, my name is Cindy.  I blogged a few years back under the blog name, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard. Now I needed to begin this new blog to be " Just Me ", as " North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard " wasn't just all about " Just Me ", nor how I see Life through my eyes. I want to share how my mental illnesses effect my daily living; how I cope, or how I don't cope.  I want to share my feelings & emotions dealing with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, Perfectionist, Binge Eating Disorder, SAD, & Major Depressive Disorder.   Why do I want to share my life? because it is "Just Me", and no matter what, I can be "Just Me", without feeling bad about who I am, where I came from, where I am now, where I might be heading, and try to do it without feeling judgement from anyone, as truly I do enough judging of my o...
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