Begin At The Beginning

For those who do not know me, my name is Cindy.  I blogged a few years back under the blog name, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Now I needed to begin this new blog to be "Just Me", as "North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard" wasn't just all about "Just Me", nor how I see Life through my eyes.

I want to share how my mental illnesses effect my daily living; how I cope, or how I don't cope.  I want to share my feelings & emotions dealing with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, Perfectionist, Binge Eating Disorder, SAD, & Major Depressive Disorder.  

Why do I want to share my life? because it is "Just Me", and no matter what, I can be "Just Me", without feeling bad about who I am, where I came from, where I am now, where I might be heading, and try to do it without feeling judgement from anyone, as truly I do enough judging of my own self, without help from anyone else.

Many days are I find are difficult with my struggles to keep pushing through with the way I think, feel and act,

Within the past couple of months, my Doctor had told me to journal, my Counsellor had told me to journal, both for my mental health, a couple of times, more recently just today, one of my best friends told me to see if colouring & journaling, or to begin blogging again would help me.   With ADHD, & everything else going on in my head, I thought, "where would I even begin" & "what would I write, other than all the doom & gloom I have been feeling again over the past couple of years"?

To begin a beginning, could be the beginning of being born, a child, a teenager, a young person, a mature person, a middle aged person, and the present.  So many things in life have beginnings.  Also, what would I say, other then the doom & gloom of depression & mental illnesses I have? well yes, I suppose so, along with my struggles, my good days, my joys, my rewards, my achievements, my everything ! as each day, is a new beginning, each moment is a new beginning, as it isn't the same as the moment before was.....

Here I begin, in this moment of a new beginning, and many more, going forward....

Beyond this depression I am presently in, and have been in steady again for the past couple of years, I can look past the "doom & gloom" at times and feel how fortunate I am.  Do you know just because a depressed person sees so much negativity in life, does not mean that person is ungrateful for the good they have in their lives, quite the contrary I believe.  

I am grateful for the people in my life who have been, and those who still are, in my life to support me.  

I am grateful I have a husband, Rob, who loves me regardless of my scars, human faults, undesirable behaviours, in or not in my control, because he knows I have the same unconditional love for him, and that is what makes us unique as a couple, because when you get married for better or for worse, it ain't no lie, it's the real thing ! as my Great Aunt Lizzie would say, "Let me tell the World" ! 

I am grateful for my family members, who might not hear from me for weeks, but still include me should something be going on such as a family luncheon or ... for understanding why I haven't been putting myself out there, but still sending me off a text, or giving me a phone call.

I am grateful for all my "real" friends, who also do the same. 

Those ones who never let me slip through the cracks, knowing I can't hold myself up, however keep throwing out a line for me with their arms wide open, without ever a judgement towards me.

These are the people whom I feel safe with.  These are the people I am most grateful for in my life.  These are the people, who I hope know, I would do the exact same for.  These are the people who shine when I shine.  These are the people who make life easier to live when I am not at my best self.  These are the people who give me their unconditional LOVE.  These are the people whom I am grateful for, and if possible could be more thankful for.

Special thanks to my girlfriend, Penny, who had faith in me today, even when I did not have faith in myself for me to begin at the beginning.

I am grateful for much more... despite depression, and the negativity which goes along with it.  

Depression has covered me with much darkness at times, and really there is not a pinpoint of light to be seen. So here I am starting at the beginning of blogging "Just Me" .... 

This is all she wrote this day, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".

Signed, 

"Just Me"