Out of Control

 I started back journal/blogging on November 9/2024, ending very quickly with my last post being November 11/2024.  

Where am I finding myself today ? January 27th, 2025...... totally OUT OF CONTROL, seemingly in every aspect of my whole being.

I am depressed, I can't stay focused on anything for any amount of time, I am emotionally unbalanced, unable to make concrete, if any decisions, I am beyond fearful of almost anything and everything, even myself, I am isolating, I have no motivation to do anything, or feel any joy, the binge eating has and is still escalating, I feel no peace within, only fear, I am feeling totally hopeless of there ever being any help for myself.... I AM STUCK in what feels like something that will never end for me.

I have tried numerous medications, I have been to many self help programs, DBT twice, EMDR Therapy for past traumas, MBT, numerous counselling sessions over the years, just finishing a 3 month session last week, currently doing Body Brave Drop-in Support Groups for the Binge Eating Disorder, I also listen to self help podcasts nightly before bed ..... I began seeing a new Psychiatrist in December, who started me on a new medication for the BED, which did not work.  Went back to see her on the 15th of January, wherein she discontinued 2 medications, and once again began me on a new one.  I am 3 weeks in on the new medication, with no changes in my mood, nor eating habits.

I was recently accepted into a program being funded for .... I am sitting here trying to remember what it is called.  It took a few minutes, but it is called rTMS, and it is currently being funded at St. Joe's Hospital in Hamilton, Ontario.  I learned about it through my OSP West counsellor.  I asked my Dr. if he would refer me, however he told me a psychiatrist would be the one to do the referring.  He had referred me back to psychiatry, however I still hadn't heard back from them after 2 months.  A month later I went back to my Doctor, telling him I had looked up the referrals required by St. Joe's Hospital, and they had stated referrals could be made by a GP, so he did refer me.  In the meantime, I did a followup to myself with the Psychiatry Dept. in Owen Sound, and managed to get my first appointment before Christmas.  You do have to be a self advocate on your own behalf at times.

I had an intake with St. Joe's,  rTMS department, before Christmas, and a Consult with Nurse Brenda and Lead Psychiatrist, Dr. Duarte on the 15th of January, which lasted 2 1/2 hours.  I was accepted for the treatment, however there is a 4-5 month waiting time.  I will get 2 weeks notice of when I am to begin.  The intake Nurse had told me 20% of the referrals are not accepted.  I am more than grateful I have been accepted into their treatment program.  Keep in mind rTMS treatment works alongside medication. 

What is rTMS treatment? here is an article on the rTMS treatment from May 24, 2024 at St. Joe's Hamilton:

https://stjoesfoundation.ca/rtms-treatment-for-treatment-resistant-depression/

Yes, having tried numerous anti-depressant meds, as mentioned before, as well as many self help programs, I do have Treatment Resistant Depression.  I am feeling this rTMS treatment is my last and only hope to treat this Major Depressive Disorder that has had me in its grip for over the past 2 years now, and many times before.  I have had depression for as long as I can remember, but as a child/teenager I did not have the knowledge of the mental illnesses I experience, until fully in the past 2 years. 

Now that I have typed this all out, I am exhausted and experiencing brain fog, feeling on overload.  

I am so desperate to try anything not to feel the way I am, I had even asked my husband, Rob, to pick me up an Adult Colouring Book to see if I could at least be mindful and focus on colouring.  If I cannot manage that I will sadly be spending another day in bed.

How many times I want to do something, begin something.... and I shut down.  Yes, I get past being overwhelmed with what I need to get done, ending up feeling paralyzed to accomplish anything.  

What else goes along with depression, and all my other mental illnesses? is shame, self hate and hopelessness.  Have I given up? not yet, however there are days I don't know how I can manage to go forward as I watch my life pass me by .... it is so very difficult, even though I realize I am not alone, I feel very lonely. 

This is all she wrote, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard",

Signed, 

"Just Me"