All Over The Map

Yesterday morning my mind was a whirl wind, going here, there & everywhere, "all over the map".

I was googling about depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Binge Eating, Codependency, as well as thinking what can I accomplish in the way of housework today.  Some days I am exhausted before I even get started.  

At least, which has been very far and in-between, I was feeling like I was wanting to get something done, at least more than getting dressed, brushing my hair & teeth, making the bed, doing the dishes, cleaning the kitty litter (oops that did not get done yesterday), & letting the dogs in & out of the house.  Oh yes, I must not forget the part about feeding the cats, Princess Paisley & Mr. Davidson, as well as our Aussies, Chevy Denali & Stella Isabel.  Rob takes care of the feeding, etc.. of our sweet Tesla, every day.

Rob has a huge back issue, caused from a motorcycle accident when he was 19 years old, which put him in the hospital for a Year with a diagnosis he would never walk again.  Thank goodness I have a stubborn strong guy, or I wouldn't be here with him today.  Since his back is in excruciating, almost unbearable pain, we try to think of ways to elevate his pain.  We have been through many mattresses over the year, as well as mattress toppers to no avail.  Trust me, we never have been cheap about the cost of a mattress, as it is so important to have good support while you sleep & your body regenerates.  I did a search on Amazon to find something that could possibly make his side firmer, however he has decided he will use a piece of plywood.  Fingers crossed it gives him some relief. 

Now today was a total loss, other than getting the dishes done.  The bonus of the day was Rob picked up a $30.00 part for our Bosch Dishwasher, & installed it today.  Thank goodness, as when I had called the Appliance Repair Company they had quoted us over $300.00 !  it took him literally 10 minutes to put the new part in, after he had pulled the dishwasher out.  What made me angry about this whole think, just over a year ago when it was under warranty the repair guy had replaced a part, putting in his notes that this part Rob replaced today would be need to also be replaced soon.  Why didn't he do it then? exactly ! let's get in another call and put in 2 hours for a less than 1/2 hour job from start to finish.  

Yes it is certainly a "dog eat dog" world... and with the prices of everything going up insanely after the Covid years, even mores so.  Grrrrrrrr !!!

My anxiety has been over the top as I have a test coming up soon.  I am terrified of needles, and it involves an IV.  Yes, I have been doing lots and lots of deep breathing.

I also got some not so good personal news about a person who I am extremely close to.  This news has caused more anxiety and panic attacks.  The dreams have been waking me up at night, with me going into full panic attacks. I try deep breathing, I put on self help podcasts, and about after an hour or more I manage to go back into some sort of restless sleep.

Today with everything on my mind, I, once again, was out of control eating undesirable foods making myself feel ill, and hating myself even more.  Then I feel as if I am going mad trying to figure out how I can stop all of this maddness within and fix myself.  More reading I suppose... surely there has to be something one day which will click with me, so I can find some peace within.

I have counselling again this Wednesday.  I really love this counsellor I have, and we meet in person through Zoom, which is so nice to have the one on one.  In all the years of counselling, I feel she has been the best who has ever worked with me.  Sadly, our time is up after maybe two more sessions.  This is the problem, you never really solve the problems once your time is up, and then a few months later, with another referral to counselling, you have to begin all over with someone new.  Yes, I find it so very difficult, but however difficult I am still so very grateful to have the counselling available to me, as I mean I am still going forward, I am still trying to live my life.  

This is all she wrote, this day, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Signed, 

"Just Me"

Success is not final; Failure is not fatal.  It is the Courage to continue that counts 

~ Winston Churchill ~