Monthly Doctor's Appointment

Today was my monthly doctor's appointment.  This morning I prepared a list to take along with me, as some appointments I do, and others I don't.  It helps me remember anything I feel I need to address, and to stay on task should I have a list.

I had quite a long list, but it consisted more or less the usual:

- fatigue;

- shortness of breath;

- shaking, as in nervousness/anxious;

- daily binge eating, still; 

- constant panic attacks; 

- jaw throbbing, along with the same throbbing pain in ankles & knees;

- daily headaches;

- weight increase to 198 lbs.

The shortness of breath is caused by asthma & anxiety.  I am on a steroid inhaler daily for asthma, and a rescue one for in-between.  Anxiety over things I constantly worry about causes the shaking, panic attacks, and I am certain more.  Binge Eating, is what I do, as I do not deal with my emotions, so eat instead of sitting with them, and accepting them; almost like I am punishing myself for things happening which are completely out of my control.  I have been a Binge Eater since a child, using food as a coping strategy to this very day, at age 65 years.  When I binge I don't have to think about how I am feeling, but after it is all said & done, I hate myself even worse.

I cried... I told him I am obese, just fat & ugly.  That people tell me I look good, and just lie to me, as do they think I am blind and can't see how fat I am?  Yes, my sweet Doctor said, they are wanting to make me feel better, and truly I know this, however I hate myself for allowing myself to be obese, so it hurts even more when people try to make better of it for me.

He tells me to accept my emotions.  I asked him, "how do I sit with them & accept them, I do not know how to do that".  He explained, "you just have to sit with them, feel them, and accept them until they pass".  Yes, and that is not easy, which he agreed with, but also something that has to be continued to work on until it does get easier.  

I had also asked if I had Major Depressive Disorder, or Persistent Depressive Disorder.  He stated, "Major Depressive Disorder".  

I also asked, if all the other Mental Illnesses I have co-occur with the Borderline Personality Disorder.  His answer was, "yes".

I also stated, "I will never be better from these illnesses", which I have asked numerous times before, and knew what his answer was going to be.  His answer, "No. Your Mental illnesses are from Childhood Trauma, and Traumas I experienced after childhood, and genetics".

I had also told him my counsellor had told me she knew of people who have had great results from Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, for depression.  He told me a psychiatrist would be the one to recommend this treatment.

My Doctor patiently listens to me, and is beyond empathetic, however other than what meds I am presently on, the continued counselling, and working on myself, there is nothing more then he can do then support me.

He has referred me back to see a Psychiatrist, to have the medications I am on reviewed.  Last week I did receive a call from the Psychiatric Unit at Owen Sound Hospital, advising I should hear back about an appointment sometime by the end of December.  

I had updated him on what I have been working on for my Self Help, which is weekly counselling, self talk, challenging my thoughts, attempting to sit with my emotions, journaling (is what I am doing now within a blog), keep a daily Credit List of what I do achieve in a day, instead of reflecting on what I do not get done, try to be more realistic with my expectations of daily goal settings (should you know anyone with BPD, and ADHD, you know they think in "All or Nothing" terms... this is me !), be mindful of & correct myself for self blame in the past, try to be self compassionate around my physical limitations/issues.

My Doctor said, "all you can do is continue to do what you are doing".  The compassion for me on his face showed for the look of defeat I must have, once again, had on my face, along with the tears I usually shed in his office.

We also discussed if I could take Contrave to help me with the Binge Eating Disorder.  He told me he would be happy to prescribe it for me, however I first wanted to check with the pharmacy if the Government Drug Plan covered it, and if not, how much it would cost.  I called the Pharmacy as soon as I arrived home.  The Pharmacist validated, indeed Contrave is for people who have a Binge Eating Disorder.  However, No it is not covered.  For one month supply, at 2 pills a day, it would cost $345.00.  I can NOT justify spending this kind of money.  I will just have to continue to work on myself, teaching myself how to deal with my emotions instead of avoiding them by binge eating.  Somehow I am going to have to do this, as I cannot stand looking at the obesity of myself in the mirror, nor hating myself after I binge eat.  It is a horrible feeling mentally & physically to my whole being.  To suffer mentally is enough to handle without being obese on top of it all, so I have to someone work harder on this.  What can I do? however disheartening, just keep trying I suppose that's all there is to do.

It is so so sooooo very difficult to accept the way I am, when I know I do not want be depressed, I do not want to think in black & white terms, I do not want to procrastinate, I do not want to be a perfectionist and OCD, nor do not want to have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I just DO NOT want to be all these things, but I have NO choice because this is "Just Who I Am".  

The choices I do have is to continue to learn about myself and these Mental Illnesses I didn't ask for.  To continue with Counselling, as long as I can.  To continue enrolling in Mental Health Programs, to learn how to change my black/white thinking, to be able to think in those gray areas, as many others are able to do.  To learn how to accept my emotions, rather than hurt myself more by binge eating, or self harm, & sabotaging any happiness I am deserving of.   It is very much work to be a better "Just Me".... it can be exhausting, most discouraging at times, and how many times I have felt it would just be easier to give up, many many many times I have felt to do so, as I have twice in past years so long ago.  I have days upon days in bed, leading into months at a time, watching my life go by, slipping into a darkness where I never seen even a pinpoint of light.

I must have some small piece of love inside for myself, or I would not still be trying.  This is what I am sitting here now thinking, so it must be true?  This thought I need to hold onto.

Today I am grateful, I have my Service Dog, Chevy Denali.  Chevy gives me comfort, support of being at my side, helps quiet my fears, diverts my attention, and always gives me unconditional Love.  

This is my Chevy Denali:

Maybe tomorrow I will reminisce how my Chevy Denali came to be in my Life.

Other than my Doctor's appointment today, which I put on my Self Care List, I did not accomplish anything else.  Although, I should give myself some credit today for getting myself up out of bed, dressed, my teeth brushed, & hair combed, before I headed out to my Doctor's appointment.  Oh I just looked at my Credit List, I did do something else !  I took out the recycling bin... and yes, that was an accomplishment.

Frequently, I google and search for anything pertaining to my mental illnesses, or what I am feeling at any given moment, to learn & understand more about myself, also to seek answers and solutions.  

This is a website on Borderline Personality Disorder, I thought explained it well, including those illnesses that co-occur with BPD: 

For anyone who might be interested, other than for my own interest, Copy & Paste the following Link into your browser, or just "click" on the highlighted BPD below it (I hope it works, but if not it's back to the copy & paste option).

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder

BPD

I am a bit on the tired side, between hearing and having my illnesses validated to me, once again, at my Doctor's appointment, the time change, the depression, and SAD.  Still it was another beginning to work towards going forward on being "Just Me".

This is all she wrote, this day, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Signed, 

"Just Me"

Success is not final; Failure is not fatal.  It is the Courage to continue that counts 

~ Winston Churchhill ~